The Marriage Essentials Podcast

What Your Wife Needs to Hear

• Brett • Season 1 • Episode 9

Share episode

Send us a text

Ever wondered why your husband might seem defensive or unappreciated? This week on the Marriage Essentials podcast, we unravel the hidden emotions often experienced by husbands that can lead to misunderstandings and defensive behavior. Through years of working with couples, we reveal how traditional therapy can sometimes make husbands feel attacked rather than supported. Discover how wives can stay curious and open to their husband's experiences, fostering a more empathetic and supportive environment at home.

Unlock the secrets to emotional intimacy in marriage as we dive into the power of vulnerability. True intimacy arises when both partners can share their most tender feelings, and we explore how men, in particular, can benefit from this level of emotional openness. Learn practical ways to encourage your spouse to express their inner emotions, building a bond grounded in compassion, safety, and mutual attraction. Tune in for essential tips to transform your relationship into a haven of love and understanding.

Speaker 1:

Episode number nine what your wife needs to hear. Welcome to the Marriage Essentials podcast, where we dive deep into the art and science of building a strong, loving and lasting marriage. I'm Brett, your host, and each week I'll bring you expert advice, heartfelt stories and practical tips to help you nurture and grow your relationship. Whether you're newlyweds or celebrating decades together, there's something here for you. So join me for a cup of coffee and let's discover the essentials of a happy marriage together. All right, it is a chaotic morning for me. I am just moments away from heading out of my office here where I record the podcast and leaving on a jet plane. We're going up to Canada. I think I talked about this in the last episode as well, but of course, between all the client sessions that I had and the things that I'm working on for the Spouse's Guide to a Secure Marriage and all things related to relationships, I am out of time and still have a bunch of work to do. But now we're going to get this podcast episode done here and then pack up, get out of here and hopefully catch a plane.

Speaker 1:

So this is part two of the series for husbands and wives, and last week we talked to the wives about what their husband needs to hear. And this one is for the husbands. You know, you husbands, I've talked to so many of you guys over the last. Oh boy, what is it now? Eight, nine, eight years I guess nine years that I've been in this field. I've had the experience to sit down and really get to understand the experience of husband after husband after husband. And there are so many of you guys who want a better relationship with your wife.

Speaker 1:

And when I talk to these husbands' wives, oftentimes they're like no, they don't care. It's hard for them to believe that their husband wants a better relationship. And I think it's because the way that the husband tends to manage pain within a relationship often looks much different than the way that the wife tends to manage emotional pain within the relationship. And oftentimes the guys that I work with you know they're a little bit leery of working with a relationship professional in any sort. You know a therapist or a relationship coach. And they tell me, like you know, I don't even know why I'd want to come here and just get more of the same of what I've been getting. And I'm like, well, what does that mean? And they'll say you know, I just feel like I have this big finger pointed at me, you know, like I'm the problem and I'm sick of being the problem. And this isn't the case in every relationship, and sometimes these roles are flipped between the husband and wife, but by and large this is what I see every relationship, and sometimes these roles are flipped between the husband and wife, but by and large this is what I see. And one of my husbands said it in this way, you know he looked at me with tears in his eyes. I'll remember this, and he said you know what, brett, I'm just sick of being the nail that gets the hammer.

Speaker 1:

And that is the experience of so many husbands, and oftentimes traditional therapy couples therapy isn't really helpful for them, because you know, when we're trying to address the problem, oftentimes you know there's someone the wife who's really feeling and experiencing a lot of pain, and the way that they process that is by expressing it. So the problem in a traditional therapy room becomes evident in a hurry. You know, like the husband, the wife is unhappy and the husband isn't showing up, and so that's kind of the dynamic that happens in a lot of couples therapy rooms. So then the therapist will kind of join with the wife to try to get the husband to show up for her and they kind of miss the other half of the picture. You know the experience of the husband, miss the other half of the picture, you know the experience of the husband. So when we're in these kind of dynamics, know and trust that both sides you know, if we love each other, if we care about each other, if we want to stay in the relationship both sides are experiencing pain within the relationship, pain within themselves, but the way that they're managing that pain looks different. So when husbands go to traditional couples therapy, oftentimes they leave feeling more attacked, more unappreciated and really just more defeated and they, more than anyone, want to fix the problem.

Speaker 1:

But husbands have shared with me that you know, if they're such a problem and they don't know how to fix themselves, then what, what's going to take place. They become scared and worried that they're going to lose the relationship. And then these protective emotions come in and make a mess out of everything. Right, that's where, like now, we're going to get angry and resentful and defensive and spiteful and all of these things that are protecting, like that little part within us that doesn't want to be a problem. And to you wives that are listening in. I know you're out there and I want you to understand this that I don't think you're necessarily doing all of these things that maybe your husband is experiencing, but I do believe that oftentimes this is the experience that our husbands are having, that oftentimes this is the experience that our husbands are having. So we have to just recognize, like this isn't anything you have to necessarily defend yourself around and explain that this isn't what you're doing, but to just recognize, like, okay, that's how my husband's experiencing our relationship and why is that? What is that about? Because oftentimes we're going to find out that, you know, the reason why we're having the experience that we're having in a relationship is because of us, not because of them, and it's the case for you, it's the case for your husband, and the less we can get reactive to our spouse when they express their pain and the more we can stay curious, the more we're going to be able to really truly understand what's happening for them and we'll be able to navigate through these moments in much more productive ways.

Speaker 1:

But we know that confusion happens in relationships. I tell my clients all the time that I see confusion happen right out of the womb. When you know, this baby is born and it had this secure spot in the mother's womb and now it's in the world and and it has wants, it has longings, it has needs. It doesn't have language and the mother wants to provide, the mother wants to give and care and meet those needs. And yet I remember a time where I was awoken sleeping on that amazing hospital bed for husbands and I woke up because there was a commotion in the recovery room there and, you know, the baby was crying. And I look at my wife and she's crying and I'm like, oh honey, what's wrong? And she just looked at me and she said I don't know what to do. And in this way, confusion begins right in that moment.

Speaker 1:

Right, like two people love each other, care about each other, and they don't know necessarily how to communicate with each other in a very clear way. And that picture, I think, happens so often in our relationships. We love each other, we care about each other, but we just don't know how to meet each other's wants, longings and needs. And in that way, like our emotional language is confounded, we become quickly confused and in conflict. There's another picture that I often think about and it's the story of Babel in the Bible, where they were trying to build this tower and God came in and confounded the languages, confused them in their languages and the tower became unbuildable. Because they got into so much conflict and strife because they couldn't understand each other anymore. They couldn't conflict and strife because they couldn't understand each other anymore. They couldn't accomplish that task. And while we can speak the same language here we're speaking English our emotional language is often confounded. We have different emotional languages and it causes the same strife, the same division, so we have to learn how to speak each other's language to understand them.

Speaker 1:

I think that's one of the highest forms of love. When I have worked with underprivileged populations, oftentimes I was working with populations that didn't speak English and it was amazing to watch. They could speak some English words and so I'd try to communicate with them like that and it would be very difficult. But if I learned some of their language, like Spanish, for example, or I think it was Swahili some of the words that I was learning these kids, their whole face would light up. It just felt so good to communicate in their own language. And in that way, I think, when we learn how to communicate in our spouse's love language. We're able to communicate to them really in their emotional language. It feels so safe, so secure and so comforting.

Speaker 1:

But really I want to highlight that I don't think that that's an expectation within a relationship. I think that's something that you can choose to do from a place of love, and just to know that this emotional language is difficult to navigate through and so unique to us, and that is why we can quickly become totally bamboozled in our relationships. We love each other, we care about each other, but this emotional language is so unique and difficult to navigate through that we can fear that we've lost the love and the connection that we want. So to you husbands, you who worry that you'll never be enough to keep your wife happy, that you'll never be enough to hold her close, that your inadequacy will be seen and you're going to lose that girl that is so important to you I know that so many of you worry about this. Your wife needs to hear that you are human, that you hear her pain and see her struggle and that you're there alongside of it with her, that you have pain and you have worry, even within this relationship to her and that, more than anything, you hope that she can love you through it all, that you in your imperfect ways can retain her and have her remain close to you. She needs to hear how much she matters to you and that you long to care for her and that you worry that maybe you won't be enough to keep her care.

Speaker 1:

I think a lot of you, and I would say both husbands and wives. Oftentimes they believe that the key to a strong emotional bond is really in the listening, and oftentimes my clients talk a lot about listening and I think that no doubt listening is an important skill to learn within a relationship. But I would say I've witnessed how some of the most emotionally intimate moments that have happened in my room working with couples, have been when one individual, one spouse, is able to share their most vulnerable feelings. It's in the sharing of these intimate things and then in the holding of these things, that a really strong, secure bond can be formed, an emotional experience can be had. And if we don't know how to share our intimate, those tender, little, small feelings and emotions within us, we don't have the opportunity for those kind of bonding moments. And so it doesn't matter how well you listen, you husbands, if you don't know how to share that human piece of you, you lose the opportunity to reciprocate this relationship with your wife that develops safety and security and love and desire and all of the things.

Speaker 1:

And I'll probably do a podcast episode on the two parts of love, but I'll just share it really briefly here that, uh, when we're attracted to someone, that's one part of love, but we also need to feel like the other person is attracted to us. That's the second part of love. And I think that there is a similar concept here within an emotional relationship that we can listen. But that's one part of intimacy, one part of intimacy. But to share is kind of the second part of intimacy. And when the two parts come together, then we have a bond. It's kind of like an epoxy. That way, we naturally have compassion for vulnerability. I see it, you know, when my kids see like a bird that is hurt, they have compassion for it. When we see like a small child, this vulnerable small child, we have compassion for it. And when we see vulnerability a small child, this vulnerable small child we have compassion for it. And when we see vulnerability within our spouse, we naturally have compassion for it. We move towards it, we want to embrace it, hold it and care for it.

Speaker 1:

And if there's anything about you men out there that you can work on, it's getting in touch with these tender emotions that drive you, not the big emotions that show on the outside or that stoic nature that is so protective. These emotions do have a purpose and they seem to be a part of the general male experience. So I don't want you to get rid of them necessarily, but in a romantic relationship, learn how to communicate these tender pieces within you. It's a safe relationship to do that in, and I find that both spouses are pushed in areas that they're generally not comfortable. For the woman it's often learning how to navigate the sexual connection, and for the husbands it's learning how to navigate the emotional connection with their wives, and these two things serve each other and all of it serves the relationship. So husbands recognize that there's an area where you can grow and it's within the emotional relationship learning how to communicate what your experience within you is.

Speaker 1:

And to do this, spend some time figuring out how to share with your wife in a way that reassures her that you are there, that you care, and work towards finding that tender language within you that worries, that wonders. It wonders if you're going to be able to keep this amazing girl close and there's these little emotions within you that longs for her care, for her love and for her attention. And these are things that are hard to communicate and hard to express and hard to even ask for and how you try to show to your wife how you care for her and how, when it misses, how vulnerable this is for you Like. These are some of the things that if you grab a piece of paper and you sit down and you start to look within, at what is happening within you, you're going to find some of these things. I've worked with so many guys over and over and over again, so many husbands, and these themes pop up. So I know, maybe the language won't be exact for you, maybe the circumstances won't be completely exact for you, but I do think that in general, this is the experience of you husbands. I think I'm close and if you don't see it at all, I encourage you to slow down to just listen within, to see what kind of emotions those small, tender emotions are that you are experiencing, because that's what's driving the frustration, that's what's driving the anger, that's what's driving the defensiveness, the need to explain yourself the resentment and if you're facing challenges in your relationship and you care about your wife, there is most definitely something small and tender and vulnerable happening within you and your wife needs to hear it. So that's all I had for today.

Speaker 1:

I will talk to you all here next week on the Marriage Essentials podcast. I'm off to the great north, up to Canada. Hope you guys all have a great week. Bye-bye. You have been listening to the Marriage Essentials podcast. I hope that you found some valuable insights and inspiration to apply to your relationship. Don't forget to follow us on Instagram at marriage underscore essentials for more content like this. Until next time, keep nurturing your love and remember that a happy marriage really is a journey, it's not a destination. Take care and I'll see you in the next episode.