Our Cycle

What if life's setbacks were actually stepping stones to resilience and deeper understanding? In this episode, we challenge the conventional wisdom of good and bad fortune through a compelling story about a farmer whose horse runs away, only to return with another. This tale unravels a series of events that reveal the unpredictable nature of life and how our perspectives on fortune can shift dramatically. By embracing life's uncertainties and trusting in its course, we can find meaning and strength in our experiences, supported by the tools and communities around us.

Explore the intricate dynamics of conflict within relationships as we delve into the conflict cycle through the lens of Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT). Sharing a personal story from my early marriage to Kelsey, I illustrate how attachment insecurities can trigger defensive behaviors and escalate conflicts. Discover how taking ownership of our emotions and leading with vulnerability can transform defensive reactions into care, curiosity, and compassion. Together, we uncover how these emotional shifts can pave the way for more secure and loving connections, turning conflict into an opportunity for growth and deeper intimacy.

Chapters

• 0:01 Unpredictable Life Events and Conflict Cycle
• 9:18 Understanding the Conflict Cycle in Relationships
• 15:41 Breaking the Conflict Cycle in Relationships

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:01

Episode number 11, our Cycle. Welcome to the Marriage Essentials Podcast, where we dive deep into the art and science of building a strong, loving and lasting marriage. I'm Brett, your host, and each week I'll bring you expert advice, heartfelt stories and practical tips to help you nurture and grow your relationship. Whether you're newlyweds or celebrating decades together, there's something here for you. So join me for a cup of coffee and let's discover the essentials of a happy marriage together. All right, welcome back to the Marriage Essentials podcast.

Speaker 1: 0:52

I'm recording this on a Saturday, something that I don't enjoy doing. I really like to get all of my work done during working hours in the week, but this week was completely different than I ever imagined. It would be a week ago even. But that is just kind of what I'm thinking about in terms of life, that it's just so unpredictable and it's, I think, meant to be that way that you know we make plans, we go one way and all of a sudden things happen. Opportunities come up, opportunities close, and you know events in life take place and we'll never be able to predict them, we'll never be able to see them coming. But when they come, you know they can turn your life in a whole different direction and for some reason that's just the way it is. But that's unfortunately about as much as I can say at this point. It just it's. It's pretty crazy how life goes and you know, sometimes it's challenging news, sometimes it's challenging events, sometimes it's, you know, heartbreaking things that take place, and other times it's good news and wonderful events and things that bring a lot of joy and satisfaction to our life. And it seems like if what is happening in my life right now takes place, then it feels like a good thing.

Speaker 1: 2:37

But there's a couple of stories that I'll share with you, and this is a good lead into one of the stories that I heard a long time ago and has just stuck with me and it goes something like this that there was a farmer, that he had a couple, he had a horse and the horse was it was a good horse, worked for him and he was able to ride it into town and back and a loyal horse and all the things. And one day that horse got away and ran through the fence and disappeared and everyone in town was kind of bummed for this old farmer, you know, and they said, man, what bad luck, sir, that you lost your horse. And the farmer. He kind of sat back and, maybe with a kind of a wry smile, he said how do you know that this was bad luck? And, wouldn't you know it, a couple of days later his horse the same exact horse that he lost returned to his farm. But with him he had another horse, a horse that was bigger and stronger and faster than the horse that he originally had. And so the next day he comes trotting into town on this new horse and tells the story and everyone in town is like, wow, what a remarkable turn of events. You are so fortunate. And the farmer, he kind of looks at them with a wry smile and he says how do you know that this is fortune? And a few days later his son is riding that horse trying to get some work done with it and the horse for some reason bucks him off and his son goes up in the air, comes down, breaks his leg, ends up pretty tragically hurt and put out of commission. And Everyone in town knows how much this old man relies on his son to get work done. And again they're like oh man, this is just kind of a bad event for you. Now what are you going to do on the farm and the farmer, as you would expect, kind of sits back with a wry smile and said how are you sure that this is a bad event? Smile and said how are you sure that this is a bad event and wouldn't you know it? Later that week the government comes through town and they're looking for young, qualified men to serve in far lands fighting a battle, fighting a war. And you can see how the story goes. The son he ends up because his leg is broken. He's unable to serve in the military. He's not taken away from that farmer's home.

Speaker 1: 5:35

And really the point of that story it stuck in my mind. The point of that story is some of those things that happen in our life that we think are such good news, we think is so good, turns out to not be good news and some of the things that we think is the worst thing that has ever happened to us in our life is some of the best things that have ever happened to us in our life. And you know, it just kind of tempers these moments that happen within our life and I think we can always look at things with an optimistic lens. But we can also temper our mind, because our mind can get carried away and think you know, some of the things that have happened in our life are terrible or tragic or bad news. But when we can trust that life has its own course and that at the end of the day, there are millions and billions of people walking on this earth and events happen to us and we're given the ability and the tools and the resources and the community to respond to them, maybe we can just hold trust and faith that what is happening to us is meant to happen to us and we don't necessarily know if it's good news or bad news, but we know that we have the ability to navigate through it, no matter what is ahead of us. And I just I really like that story. For some reason it's stuck with me and that's kind of how I feel about, you know, the things that are happening in my life, that they feel very exciting, they feel very energizing and I trust that, no matter how my life goes, I can know that the events are meant to happen to me because they have happened to me, and I can temper even my own expectations in this, that I don't know if this is good news or bad news, but I can figure out a way through it, especially when I lean on kind of things outside of me to navigate through these things. And so, with a little bit of trepidation but a lot of excitement, I am moving towards something in my life that is really exciting. So that's about it. Hopefully you get something out of those rambling thoughts.

Speaker 1: 7:59

But then I also want to talk about the conflict cycle, which I mentioned in the last episode here, episode 10. I talked a little bit about the conflict cycle and I want to share with you kind of my own discovery of the conflict cycle and where it really came to life for me. I was working with couples and helping them navigate through their conflict. And I was working with couples and helping them navigate through their conflict and I was struggling. I was meeting with these couples. I felt like I was a little bit of a couple's referee, just breaking up these fights and I didn't really have tools to help them change the dynamic within their relationship. So they'd come to me week after week after week I'd break up their fights, but they would just get into another conflict, another disagreement, and they would need me to help them get out of it again. And so it wasn't didn't really feel like it was serving them long-term. They weren't learning how not to end up in the position that they were in. So I reached out to one of my mentors and I was like, hey, how can I serve these couples better? And he pointed me towards emotionally focused therapy. And in those courses I learned something about my own relationship to my wife Kelsey.

Speaker 1: 9:18

I remember on the screen there seeing the, the picture of a conflict, of a conflict cycle. If you google EFT conflict cycle, you will see like a figure eight symbol there and and some elements around that figure eight symbol that are part of how we understand and how we visualize conflict within a relationship. And when we were going through that lecture I remember an event that happened previously in my own relationship that really brought that conflict cycle to life and what was happening in these moments of conflict. And I'll just pull an example that happened very early in our marriage, the marriage that I have to my wife Kelsey. It was about two years in or something and she was planning on going on this ladies' weekend, a girls' weekend away, and I remember seeing how excited she was to go on that trip and that excitement within her caused a feeling within me. I didn't know what it was at the time, but this feeling I didn't like and eventually I just told Kelsey I was like you know what, go on your ladies weekend, I don't want to hear about it, just go.

Speaker 1: 10:42

And when I told her that, I remember her face like kind of freezing for a second. She looked at me, she walked away. But eventually she came back and she asked me this question. She said, brett, how come you don't ever want me to be happy? And that question I remember like it struck deep and immediately I became very defensive. I was like are you serious? Here are all the ways that I keep you happy. And I had this big long list that I was ready to share with her. And as I kind of defended myself and proved to her that I do keep her happy, she got more upset. You know, kind of reiterated her point. I read it, read it, if I can say the word, reiterated my point back and forth.

Speaker 1: 11:30

We went and it escalated into this very chilly silence. And that's kind of the way that our conflict would look. It wasn't very loud and escalated, but it would escalate into silence. It would get very chilly or tense in our home and she ended up going on this weekend. It was unresolved. She came back, we tried to talk about it again, got to the same results and eventually, like a week later, we were like you know what? Should we pretend that this didn't happen? Handshake deal. And I was like that's a great, great idea. Let's just pretend nothing happened, let's move forward, let's focus on the future. And it kind of slowly faded and we got back to life. But this kind of an event would happen time and time again throughout our marriage, about different things.

Speaker 1: 12:18

But the process, the pattern was kind of the same. And as I'm sitting in this lecture, seeing this conflict cycle, seeing this figure eight on its side, this infinity symbol, and the instructor was going through each point, I was like, ah, that is what was happening in those moments. And what I found out was when Kelsey was so excited to go on that girls weekend, I had this insecurity within me, this insecurity that she didn't desire to be with me. It was actually an insecurity that I wasn't desirable. It really had nothing to do with her. So when I saw how excited she was to go with these girls for the weekend, my brain kind of took that as information that she's not really excited to spend a weekend with you, she'd rather be with these girls. And that felt very scary for me. I felt rejected by her. Now, of course she wasn't rejecting me. Of course this wasn't true. But this is how our attachment longings work. They take especially the more insecure we are, the more heightened these attachment longings are, the more we're going to get activated by events like this. So she was simply excited to spend time, spend a weekend with her friends, and that created this sense within me that she would rather be with her friends than me.

Speaker 1: 13:37

I felt rejected. That's where I got kind of this resentment, this feeling of resentment that caused me then to put my hand out and say you know what? I don't want to hear about this anymore. Stop telling me about your die-hard trip. And and that is what we call like our F behavior that F behavior is then what activates Kelsey. She's having a grand old time, she's not in conflict at all. But remember that feeling that like not in my stomach, that tightening in my chest, that I I didn't really know what that was all about. That was that like rejection that I felt. That I then covered with that resentment that then moved me into this behavior of saying I don't want to hear about it. That behavior now activates my wife, kelsey.

Speaker 1: 14:24

Right now she feels like that tightness in her chest, that pit in her stomach, that anxiety in her body. Because she does, she gets a sense that I don't want to be connected with her, I don't want to hear about her trip, I don't want to share our life together. I don't want to know all the things that's happening that she's excited about. I'm not willing to share my own emotions and my own experience with her. She sees me disconnecting, pulling away. That leaves her with this feeling of being alone. So her insecurity is that people wouldn't want to connect with her, that she would be left alone, and she doesn't like that feeling. That's what kind of drives that tightness in her chest, that anxiety in her body. So what she does is she covers that up with anger.

Speaker 1: 15:09

Now, my wife, she isn't the type to get angry and yell. She's the type to get angry and cry. It's very different tears than when she's like sad at a funeral or something like that. Those tears they affect me, I'll tell you that much. And then from that place of anger she moves into her F behavior, which is to ask questions. If you remember from that story, she turned to me, she came back to me and she said why don't you ever want me to be happy?

Speaker 1: 15:41

Her F behavior there, her behavior that comes from that anger, is really an attempt to uncover what's happening within me so she can reconnect with me, right? So maybe I'll give her a response, or I'll answer that question in a way that will help her believe like, oh, that's what's going on. Brett does want to connect with me, but there's something happening in his own life that is making him respond this way. So that question is her attempt to elicit that type of response, for me to turn back to her and take care of her, to help her feel cared for. But what it does is it reactivates me.

Speaker 1: 16:20

It leaves me in this position of well, not only does she want to spend time with me, spend the weekend here with me, she's upset at me too, and that feels even more scary, more dangerous. It feels like she's rejected me even more. So I get more resentful, I get more chilly, more, and I protect myself more by pulling away more, shutting down more, stonewalling her more, which leaves her confirmed in the belief that I don't want to connect with her. Not only do I not want to hear about her life, but I'm not willing to share my own emotional experience with her, which is very, very scary for her. So now she elevates in her emotion. Scary for her, so now she elevates in her emotion, I elevate in my emotion, and what happens is we end up going back and forth, round and round, becoming more and more distant, and we didn't have a process to solve that conflict cycle.

Speaker 1: 17:14

So anytime we'd address it, we'd get reactivated in the cycle and we'd end up stuck and confused and feeling worried that the other person didn't care about us and failing to figure out how to show our care to the other person. And that really is the conflict cycle. In a nutshell, it isn't a sign of a lack of care and a lack of love, it's a sign of confusion. And we will continue to look at conflict cycles here on this podcast and we're going to learn how to solve them very quickly, very high level.

Speaker 1: 17:50

The way to solve a conflict cycle is to take ownership of your own emotions, to learn how to change your emotion from anger, resentment, defensiveness or frustration into a more constructive, a more productive emotion. Even vulnerability is really the emotion that I go to. I want us to learn how to remove that protective emotion of defensiveness, anger, resentment or frustration and become vulnerable. Learn how to lean into that emotional vulnerability, to reveal our own emotional experience, what's happening below the surface, instead of turning to Kelsey and saying you know what, go on your trip, I don't want to hear about it. To lean into that vulnerable emotion of hey, every time you talk about this trip, I get this feeling of rejection and I know you're not rejecting me, but for some reason that's what I experience. I'm worried that you'd rather spend time with these girls than with me. And that's hard, that's scary for me to even think about. And I want you to go on this trip, but I also worry that maybe I'm not enough for you.

Speaker 1: 19:10

And that kind of a statement right, it's not asking her to take care of me, it's not asking her to stay home from this trip, it's just revealing what's happening within me and it can invite her into a conversation where we can reassure each other. We can be like you know what we care about each other, we love each other and we got to figure out how to get through this weekend together. And as we have those kinds of conversations and as we have had those kind of conversations, our relationship has become much more secure and I can honestly say that we can now go into similar types of weekends and there's not those intense feelings like we used to have. I feel much more reassured, much more secure, much more confident that Kelsey wants to be with me, and that's the best feeling in the world. That's security within a relationship.

Speaker 1: 20:06

And when we're insecure within a relationship, it often is this that we're not sure that our partner wants to be with us, that our partner cares about us, and those two elements can create conflict and drive conflict cycles. So dig into your conflict cycles, think about this how does it show up in your relationship? And focus in on learning how to change your emotion. When you're in the conflict cycle, no matter what your partner is doing, you have the ability to move from frustration, anger, defensiveness or resentment into a different emotion, an emotion of vulnerability, care, curiosity, compassion. Those are emotions that we can move our body into, that are going to break our conflict cycle and restore clarity to the relationship. So that's what I have for this week.

Speaker 1: 21:02

I hope you guys all have a wonderful Labor Day. This is releasing on Labor Day here and hopefully you guys have a good kickstart to the fall season. I will be back on this podcast next week, releasing at the same time Monday morning. I hope you all have a wonderful week. Talk to you then. Bye-bye. You have been listening to the Marriage Essentials Podcast. I hope that you found some valuable insights and inspiration to apply to your relationship. Don't forget to follow us on Instagram at marriage underscore essentials for more content like this. Until next time, keep nurturing your love and remember that a happy marriage really is a journey, it's not a destination. Take care and I'll see you in the next episode.