The Marriage Essentials Podcast

Sharing Struggles or Secrets

September 09, 2024 • Brett • Season 1 • Episode 12

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Ever wondered how sharing your deepest thoughts online can impact your community and personal life? Join me on this week's episode of the Marriage Essentials podcast, where I pull back the curtain on the emotional rollercoaster of creating content for Marriage Essentials. From the joy of helping couples navigate their relationships to the anxiety of potentially offending those close to me, I share my raw and unfiltered experiences. As I stand at the brink of a significant career shift, I delve into how these reflections shape my role and presence in the digital sphere, balancing my passion for teaching with the challenges of social media.

In another heartfelt segment, we unravel the profound impact of vulnerability within relationships. Through a deeply personal story, I reveal the complex journey of sharing a long-held secret with my wife, showcasing the transformative power of honesty and transparency. Fear of rejection often holds us back, but embracing our imperfections can forge stronger, more intimate connections. By spotlighting the importance of mutual reassurance and unconditional love, this episode offers invaluable insights into fostering a resilient and loving marriage. Join me for an episode filled with candid reflections and essential relationship wisdom.

Speaker 1:

Episode number 12, sharing a struggle or a secret. Welcome to the Marriage Essentials podcast, where we dive deep into the art and science of building a strong, loving and lasting marriage. I'm Brett, your host, and each week I'll bring you expert advice, heartfelt stories and practical tips to help you nurture and grow your relationship. Whether you're newlyweds or celebrating decades together, there's something here for you. So join me for a cup of coffee and let's discover the essentials of a happy marriage together. And we are back to the Marriage Essentials podcast.

Speaker 1:

I hope each and every one of you are doing amazing life here at Marriage Essentials and in my primary job I guess I could call it at Pivotal Approach, counseling and Coaching, it seems like life just continues to evolve and things kind of keep changing. And it's really been kind of a unique little period here where it seems like there's been a lot of dreams and thinking and as you kind of push against the resistance I guess you would call it like, as you just try to like figure things out, it seems like different things kind of pop, and that's really been the case for me Like I'm trying to figure out one aspect and as I'm trying to figure out that aspect, it seems to almost open up a different opportunity, and it's just. It really is interesting because last week I know I mentioned that you know I'm looking and really considering a fairly big shift in my life and really in my work, and it's a opportunity that came about as I was really digging into marriage essentials. I was talking to a few people about this idea and, in that process of really trying to establish marriage essentials, something popped up out of that and I'm not quite ready to share the details yet because I just don't know really how things are going to play out. But, with that said, it's really put me into a really reflective space, especially when it comes to like social media and my presence on all the social media platforms. For the last five years I've been creating content on Instagram, on YouTube, and this is now like a hundred and some odd podcasts, a hundred and some odd weeks in a row that I've recorded a podcast but I think I've shared here on this podcast and in my Instagram and various channels and conversations, publicly and privately.

Speaker 1:

Showing up in these places and these spaces has been one of the hardest things I've done within my business and I think that there are a few reasons for that and as I sit and think about you know why it's been so difficult for me to show up in these spaces, and this is kind of what I come up with. First of all, sharing online. Maybe some of you guys have done it. Maybe some of you don't even know how I could do what I've done. Either way, I think you would be able to understand and appreciate how vulnerable of a position it is.

Speaker 1:

Um, when I come on and share an opinion or a thought or an idea or perspective, it's a perspective that I hold in that moment and when I share it, it easily could shift or change with new information or a different perspective, and because of that, I feel like it's hard for me to just boldly share opinions and for there not to really be a conversation about these things. I think, like you know, the idea of conversation is so valuable and I like having conversation where it's like an exchange of ideas, and I think that that's such a beneficial way to navigate through life, versus like this is how it is and there's no other way. And to share an opinion without a relationship behind it, I think is even more difficult, because when there's like a relationship, there's, you know, an element of trust that's formed, there's a kind of an understanding and implicit understanding of, like, who I am and what I believe, and and there's, you know, some room for, uh, grace I guess you'd call it for, maybe if I misspeak or I'm not very clear about one thing or another, and so to just come on and speak and for there not to be that kind of a conversation is a challenge for me. Worry especially how people within like my closest relationships, like my community, see me. Obviously I'm doing something that isn't like super common among, especially among the people that I'm closest to, and I know that a lot of people who know me tune in and listen in.

Speaker 1:

And because it's maybe so unique or uncommon with that kind of uniqueness, I guess it kind of goes against the grain of what other people do and I know that these kinds of things can create discomfort in people. And my in-person community is so important to me, it's like the foundation of my life and I've often feared that in showing up in this way, I would somehow, you know, up in this way, I would somehow, you know, offend or make people uncomfortable, and unintentionally it's never my intention to stir the pot or to go out and boldly, kind of, you know, rub people the wrong way, so to speak. But it's been my fear that somehow I would mistakenly do this or speak to you know, something that there isn't a conversation around and it makes people uncomfortable and it's always been something that I've been fearful around. And third, the truth of it is I just don't enjoy the art of posting on social media. Probably the thing that I've enjoyed the most is doing this podcast, but like the process of creating content on Instagram and, you know, having your face in the phone and learning all these little tricks and making it look pretty, I just haven't enjoyed it. And while I like the idea of teaching and helping in my work every day like I work with couples every day, with relationships every day, and I've been able to see the power of my work it's very difficult to pack in this kind of help in very short snippets and because of that, the work that I do in person is through conversation and a back and a forth, and and teaching in that way is just so much more comfortable than trying to do something in, you know, 15 or 30 or 90 seconds in an Instagram reel or in a picture, and and so, because of that, working one-on-one with clients and teaching through conversation has just been where I've really enjoyed my work the most.

Speaker 1:

And you know, the thing about social media is it just gives such a narrow glimpse of a person or an idea and it's so easy to be judged or misunderstood on that platform and so often, um, it feels like, uh, on social media especially, things need to be kind of be sensationalized and they need to be kind of there needs to be like the shock and awe factor in order to, um, get any sort of traction on there. And it's just things that I'm not super comfortable around. And because I know so many of the people who engage with my page or my content, it's hard for me to balance the dual relationship that comes with that. You know the in-person relationships that I have and then the people who are kind of listening to this other personality. That is who I am on social media and here on this podcast, this little slice of Brett who, who I I want to believe is a accurate representation of me.

Speaker 1:

Yet, uh, the the nuance of, of uh sharing in these mediums doesn't allow for conversation and it just exposes me to so much misinterpretation and and things like that, that it it is very difficult to show up and do Um and and uh. You know, even the slice of Brett that you see on social media, uh, alongside of the Brett, who is a human that has values of fitting in and being accepted by his community, I think is is, uh, oftentimes two different people, right? You just have this idea of who I am because of, uh, the relationship that you have with me through these social media, uh platforms, and yet the honest truth is it's it's just that it's a very small slice and and very small slice and holistically, I'm a much more complicated human with complicated relationships and a complicated life, who's been very blessed Don't get me wrong is a Brett who really just longs to have these relationships that are so important to him and longs to be accepted by his community, because you know, it's that those relationships that really I find to be the most important part of my life, much more than the online community. Now, I would love to serve and to help in the best way. I know how, but I've made quite a few attempts on social media and I've kind of come to this place where, you know, I just don't know if that is where I want to spend my energy and effort.

Speaker 1:

And you know, I think that in many ways this ties into the topic today around like sharing a struggle or even a secret that we have, like sharing a struggle or even a secret that we have. And often we have these kinds of things in our personal lives, especially in our marriages things that we're struggling through, things that we're feeling, things that we're thinking about, even secrets that we're holding. And sometimes these struggles are around navigating life's worries. Sometimes they're around our own insecurities and other times, you know, we're wrestling with things that we haven't shared. They're secrets that we've been holding and we're wrestling with what we should do about them, how we should manage them, and our brains are battling around what to do and how to move forward with these things in our relationships. And there's no doubt that sharing these things can feel incredibly difficult and it can be very hard.

Speaker 1:

These things can feel incredibly difficult and it can be very hard, and sometimes it's because we worry that, you know, the relationship isn't safe enough to be vulnerable and we might even find ourselves in these kinds of relationships where there isn't safety to share because maybe someone share, because maybe someone the person on the other side would use our vulnerability and turn it around on us to hurt us. But our brain worries about that and in my own experience and in the relationships that I've worked with, I've found this to be very small instances. It's not very common. And the more I've worked with people, the more I truly believe that we all care for each other and one of the biggest problems is we're just worried that we're not cared for and because we're so insecure about our belonging. Oftentimes this fear leads to behaviors that can then cause us to show up in painful ways within our relationships. It causes us to cause pain to other people.

Speaker 1:

But by and large, when we see someone in pain pain when someone opens up to us and is vulnerable to us and we see that vulnerability in another person I find it to be such a human instinct to naturally move in to care for them and to protect them. So I really think that that sharing our struggles and opening up and being vulnerable and even sharing our secrets in safe relationships it's difficult to do because we're afraid that it's going to push people away but if we can do it in a way that is vulnerable, we've dropped kind of the confusing protective layers in our sharing of these struggles and these secrets that we hold. More often than not it invites other people to come in to care for us and to protect us. And maybe, as you heard me talk about my own thoughts and struggles around social media, you connected or resonated with certain elements of that, and that really is the power of vulnerability. Those are my honest kind of raw thoughts. I'm just kind of talking off the top of my head about what is so difficult for me.

Speaker 1:

When I interact on social media and when we reveal our, like tender inner parts, we create space and we invite other people into a connection with us, and often, when we're willing to open up and share with someone, it allows for a deeper bond. Oftentimes, people think the way to get close to someone is to hear from them, for them, to be vulnerable with them, but more often than not, I think our deepest bonds come when we are vulnerable, when we open up and someone is there to kind of hold us in our vulnerability. It's those people that we connect to the most. That being said, sometimes the things that we share can create fear or leave the person that we shared it with feeling hurt or unsure, and you know, in my own life I've shared a pretty big secret with my wife that I held for a long time in our marriage and I've talked about this in other episodes on this podcast and I remember explaining to her why I longed to open up, to be vulnerable and to share the secret with her that you know I needed to confess these things to her and receive forgiveness from her.

Speaker 1:

But I also wanted and longed to be closer to her and the secret that I was holding was preventing me from feeling the closeness that I wanted to feel with her and I knew that I had to be honest with her so that she could truly know who I was. And really, as painful as it was, I have to imagine it was very difficult for her to hear the secret. I believe it was one of the most caring things I could have done. I was transparent with who I really was, while also communicating to her how much I wanted to manage and take care and get rid of this secret so that I could commit to her, and I wanted to reach out and to get help and to take responsibility for my actions so that I could move towards her and these secrets weren't preventing me from being intimate and close and connected to her, and in this, you know, I had to humbly ask for her forgiveness and grace, and I'm a lucky man because she was willing and able and had the capacity to do that. She was able to give me that love and forgiveness and it allowed us to forge a deeper connection, and it was a connection that was built through pain and struggle.

Speaker 1:

We had to learn how to reassure each other, how to see the human beneath our mistakes and how to love each other as we are, not as we wish the other person would be, and in no way are we a perfect example, but rather I would say an example of how much capacity our relationships have, how much capacity your relationship has, my relationship has and other people's relationships have, for imperfection. We don't need to be perfect in our relationships. We just need to learn how to communicate through our imperfection, how to reassure each other and how to forgive each other and how to love each other. These are the things that we can develop and practice and grow with in our marriage, not perfection. Develop and practice and grow within our marriage, not perfection. And yet we do need to take responsibility for who we are and how we show up in our relationships. It doesn't give us permission just to knowingly and without any sort of I don't know respect or care, do whatever we want. There are going to be definitely consequences for that.

Speaker 1:

But I think one of the most beautiful things in a relationship is when we can be completely transparent with our own imperfection and yet we have space to love each other as we are. And I feel that keeping secrets and withholding our struggles doesn't protect the relationship. It prevents it from truly growing and for us to learn how to really love each other as we are. And one of the most powerful feelings I've ever felt is being seen as an imperfect human as I am, and being loved through it. It was a fundamentally changing experience in my life to have that from my wife.

Speaker 1:

All of this to say that we can learn to share our struggles and even these secrets, with the intention of creating a deeper, more transparent relationship, and learn how to hold space for your partner and their response to your transparency. There is going to be often a counter reaction as you talk about these things and learn how to allow your partner to process through their emotions and to hold them and hold space for their response to whatever it is that you share and when you share, ask yourself is what I'm doing truly an attempt to show up transparently and in a caring way for my relationship? And also ask yourself if you're choosing not to share your struggles and you're sharing, you're choosing not to share your secrets that you hold, if that's caring or if it's just protecting an illusion and those are personal questions for you to answer. Sharing our most intimate parts in a safe relationship and being loved through it, however, creates a bond like no other. Really think like that's where healing happens.

Speaker 1:

And if you can find someone somewhere, whether it's your spouse, a partner, a parent, a friend, a therapist, someone that you can turn to and reveal your true self and discover that even you in your imperfection is someone that is lovable, that there is someone that can love you, in that place you find a treasure. And I think, if you don't feel safe enough to do that in your relationship, start somewhere else. Find someone that you can recognize that you don't need to be perfect to be loved, and you can share these struggles and you can share these secrets, and you'll find that these are things and elements that are part of the human condition are things and elements that are part of the human condition, and even in these things, I truly believe that you can find grace and forgiveness for them. So that is what I have here today, and we shall see how the future goes. But as of today, I plan on seeing and speaking and sharing with you all here next week on the Marriage Essentials Podcast.

Speaker 1:

Have an awesome week, everybody. Bye-bye. You have been listening to the Marriage Essentials Podcast. I hope that you found some valuable insights and inspiration to apply to your relationship. Don't forget to follow us on Instagram at marriage underscore essentials for more content like this. Until next time, keep nurturing your love and remember that a happy marriage really is a journey. It's not a destination. Take care and I'll see you in the next episode.