The Marriage Essentials Podcast

Leftover Love

• Brett • Season 1 • Episode 14

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Have you ever felt overwhelmed by the pressure of maintaining an online presence while trying to balance your passion and professional life? This week on the Marriage Essentials Podcast, I reflect on the incredible journey of producing the show for 104 consecutive weeks and how it's pushed me to grow in ways I never imagined. Drawing from my extensive career in the mental health field, I share my experiences working with individuals, couples, and families, as well as my recent venture into consulting and training. You'll hear about my efforts to juggle the love for therapy with the need to generate income through social media, courses, and the podcast. Plus, I share an exciting possibility on the horizon—purchasing a therapy business to sustainably manage my workload and keep my focus on the heart of my practice: couples therapy.

In this episode, we also tackle the modern challenge of digital overload. I discuss the mental strain that comes with constant online engagement and the liberating power of a digital detox. Reflecting on the importance of relationships, I emphasize showing love and care unconditionally, without expecting anything in return. By focusing on self-care and offering that leftover love to your partner, we can break free from cycles of resentment and build stronger, healthier relationships. As we close, I ponder the future of our sessions together, cherishing the meaningful interactions we've had and expressing hope for continued connection and growth. Join me for a heartfelt conversation about balancing passion with practicality, prioritizing mental wellness, and nurturing the bonds that matter most.

Speaker 1:

Episode number 14, leftover Love. Welcome to the Marriage Essentials Podcast, where we dive deep into the art and science of building a strong, loving and lasting marriage. I'm Brett, your host, and each week I'll bring you expert advice, heartfelt stories and practical tips to help you nurture and grow your relationship. Whether you're newlyweds or celebrating decades together, there's something here for you. So join me for a cup of coffee and let's discover the essentials of a happy marriage together. Hey everybody, welcome back to the Marriage Essentials Podcast.

Speaker 1:

You know this is now something like the 104th week in a row that I have produced and recorded and published a podcast episode, and it's been a lot of fun and I really feel like this project has served me more than anyone else. It's allowed for me to really learn how to commit to something, how to follow through on something, how to come up with ideas when no ideas were present, how to communicate a message. It's something that I still find I am lacking at. I wish I could be more eloquent in my speech, I wish I could be more clear with my thoughts, I wish I could deliver a point with punctuation, but it's something that I've learned, I want to develop and a skill that I want to grow, and I don't know that it's something that's static within me, but something as I reflect on myself. I'm like that's something I would want to grow or I wish I could get better at, and the way to do that in this situation is to practice it. And for 104 weeks in a row I've come here, I've shown up and I've practiced this and it really feels like this era, if you will, is coming to a close for me. I'm in the middle of a fairly significant transaction. I'm looking at purchasing another business. Who knows where this will go? Anyone who's tried to buy a house knows it ain't purchased, it ain't your house until you close on it, and it feels like it's kind of the same way for a business.

Speaker 1:

But I'll just kind of share with you how the last few months now have gone for me. You know I've spent most of my career now in the mental health field sitting in a chair, working with individuals, couples, families. I've gone into businesses and consulted with executive teams and things like that. I've given talks at businesses and I'm now set up to do a pretty significant training for, actually, another therapy company that I'm really excited about. I'm going to be going in and training the therapists there at that therapy company around the ins and outs of couples therapy, which is really kind of my specialty, if you will. That's where I spend most of my time, that's where I feel the most at home, and I've been asked to come in and just share my approach, kind of guide these therapists through some of the challenges that are present when there's two people in the room with very high emotions between them and how to manage those kinds of situations and how to stay in a position of authority in the room and to help guide those couples to as successful of an outcome as we have control over. And so I'm, I'm putting together a what is it? Six hour training or something like that. That will be held in November and, and these are some of the things that I've had the opportunity to do and and I love it and with that I've found that you know the only way right now that my business is producing any revenue.

Speaker 1:

So this is kind of getting out of the therapy chair, if you will, and into the business chair. I've watched kind of how you know the only way I can produce an income is by sitting in a chair. You know the only way I can produce an income is by sitting in a chair, and I've chosen to be cash basis, meaning I don't accept any insurance in my own private practice. And because of that there's been some like maybe thing in the back of my mind where I'm, like you know, long term number one. I don't know that I want to be sitting in my chair for 30 hours a week working with clients. I feel like eventually down the road that'll get to be tiresome or I'll burn out on that. I really love working with my clients and I find that if I could get somewhere closer to like 15 hours a week, that feels like amazing. I've had some weeks where I've just worked 15 hour, 15 billable hours, and it's like this is every session's fun.

Speaker 1:

When I work 30 hours, when I see 30 clients sometimes like at the end of an eight hour day, or sometimes I've seen 10 clients in a day I've been like, oh, this is, this is. I have to kind of persevere through these sessions and and at the end of the day I don't know if it's fair for me and it's fair for my clients when I'm not really in like that Zen place where I'm not kind of in my element. So I've thought, like you know, is there a way to bring value, to leverage myself so that the only way I feed my family isn't necessarily through sitting in the chair working with clients? And I've jumped into, like the social media, the the um courses this podcast has has all been kind of with this vision of trying to roll over stones to see if there's any opportunity in these spaces to to generate value and an income. And, uh, I have generated income through this, but nothing that would really change the needle, I would say, on being able to step out of the therapy chair.

Speaker 1:

So I've been talking to mentors and reaching out and actually one day one of my mentors walked in my office and we had a visit and in that visit, you know, we were talking a lot about business. And then, it was probably two or three months later, the same mentor reached out to me again with an opportunity to purchase a therapy business. And this therapy business would do a few things for me. It would allow for me to remain working in my full-time practice pivotal approach, working with couples really kind of honing in on that niche and getting a little bit more specific and intentional and focused in in that. In that area. I still will be able to work cash based, which has been important for me. It gives me more latitude to do what I want.

Speaker 1:

First of all, a couple's therapy isn't actually covered by insurance at all. So if you're wanting to see a therapist as a couple, it has to be billed as an individual and you're kind of like doing the smoke and mirror operation with insurance and jumping through hoops to get your coverage from them and oftentimes you spend a lot of time fighting with insurance companies and I just haven't enjoyed that aspect and because of what I do and the referrals that I've gotten and kind of being niched in around couples work and things like that, I haven't actually had to take insurance, which has been really nice for me because then I spend most of my time working with couples versus spending time fighting with insurance companies, and I guess that's just a decision I've made that I've appreciated being able to be in this kind of a position. Well, this therapy company is now insurance based, so I won't necessarily work within that company. I will own that company, I will manage it, but it has, you know, a number of therapists that work under that company and I will work to manage them, to market that company, to generate leads, to make sure the machine is running. And that's exciting for me.

Speaker 1:

I think it'll be fun to have this kind of an opportunity to manage a business like that and yet I'll still be able to see my clients under the, within the, the, or under the umbrella of pivotal approach and um, and I'll also be working to serve that population that you know maybe doesn't have the opportunity to pay cash. They need or want to rely on their insurance and um, and I'll be keeping that kind of rolling and expanding and growing so that we can serve all the different populations that are looking for therapeutic services, for relational therapy services, mental health therapy services, things like that, health therapy services, things like that. And there's a lot of dreams that go into purchasing a company like that, like what's possible? How many people can we serve with this small little company? That's pretty cool for me to think about.

Speaker 1:

And then what it does now is it leverages me so I won't have to spend those 30 hours in a chair in perpetuity, you know, to generate a living for my family. I may be able to cut back at some point to that. You know, 10 to 15 client threshold. That really seems exciting for me. And then obviously I will be working, my sleeves will be rolled up on this other side of the business, kind of managing, you know, whatever it might be. If it's 12 therapists now, you know, maybe expanding up to 1520, or who knows what but that to me seems like it'll be a full-time job in and of itself and to be able to have the opportunity to come and sit in the chair and have fun. That's really where my playground is.

Speaker 1:

I super enjoy any of my clients that are listening to this and have seen me in my element, especially working with, like marriages and couples know, like I really can, uh, talk about it all day long, um, and yet I'm a human, uh, and eventually I, I get, uh, I get. Probably the biggest thing is I get sick of sitting, uh, sitting in a chair moving, you know getting up and going to the bathroom, getting a little walk in that lunchtime, but sitting in a chair moving, you know getting up and going to the bathroom, getting a little walk in at lunchtime, but sitting in a chair for eight to 10 hours a day is very challenging for me and that's probably the most difficult part. I feel like my body getting like antsy and wanting to move, and so having the opportunity to work and get up and move around and change spaces and be a little bit more active over the course of eight to 10 hours just seems like it'll be a better long-term fit for me. So who knows where this will go? Right now it's, you know, lawyers are involved in all that good stuff, so it's pretty serious. It's getting closer to being, uh, being being a reality, but, um, but anything can happen and some people are really secretive and don't share these kinds of things, uh, just because they might not work out. And uh, I guess I've always kind of been the type where, um, if something's going on in my head, typically you're going to hear about it, um and uh, and I've kind of strung you guys along long enough. Unfortunately, I can't share more details than I have here but, um, that's kind of what's cooking and I think with it, uh, you're going to kind of see.

Speaker 1:

Obviously, once this thing happened, I kind of saw the writing on the wall Um, stepped back from social media like Instagram. I've shared on here many times that that was probably the hardest part of the online space for me. I just didn't enjoy it. I didn't like all the mental noise that came with it. I never really figured out how to manage it and, quite frankly, don't know that I necessarily want to. So I've chosen to step back, and who knows, I don't know the future, what will happen down the road, but for now I don't see myself really stepping back into that space.

Speaker 1:

The podcast has been a little bit different. I just get to come on here and chat and I've had less mental space around it. Uh, that's less artistic or less uh, oh, what would he call it Like. Uh, I don't know, it's less uh, um, like visually, uh, has less visual design elements that I feel like maybe I lack, has less visual design elements that I feel like maybe I lack, and uh, and so I I feel like it's very likely in the next week or two, I will step back from the podcast as well and just focus in on these other, these other things for a while. Um, but if, if I come back to anything, it might, it might be the podcast, podcast, but it just feels like at this point, my time is probably best served in other places and hopefully, serving other people.

Speaker 1:

Serving other people I know there are so many of you who have been loyal listeners, probably since the beginning, and you guys have reached out to me through various channels and methods and I've seen all of you guys, I've heard from all of you guys and I'm a bit torn. I really feel like there are those of you out there who have valued me, kind of coming on here and sharing whatever it was on my mind and kind of giving you a peek into my work that I do on a daily basis, and you've seen the value in that. Just as I have seen the value, I felt the value. So much of what I talk about on here is is things that I have found value in. I would say almost all of it, if not all of it have been things that I've benefited from, I've experienced, I've had success with in my own life, if you will, in using, whatever it is, the tools or the methods or the thought processes that have been shared here. I've benefited from them and so I've shared them, and I've heard from many of you guys that you've experienced similar benefits.

Speaker 1:

So, um, you know, I feel like there's some I don't know responsibility. Maybe I don't know if that's too strong of a word to continue this, but, uh, on the other, on the other hand, um, as I shared it way at the beginning, as I started the fighting for connection podcast, a lot of this was for me to learn how to communicate better and and, uh, share an idea, and my hope and my goal was that, you know, people on the other end would be served in to learn how to communicate better and share an idea, and my hope and my goal was that people on the other end would be served in some small way. So oftentimes I share and it feels like it just kind of goes out into the dark air, into the dark air. I haven't, um, I haven't always been able to recognize, maybe, the value that has been felt on the other end. Uh, it's, it's hard to see it maybe from my position, just because it's like, well, brett's talking and and, uh, you don't always know how the things you share land or how they affect other people. And I would say I've even worried that sometimes it's impacted people in a negative way, because it's so difficult to see all the different angles of what you're sharing and how it might be landing on other people's perspective, landing on other people's perspective. And and, of course, I don't want to offend or hurt anyone more than they're. They have to be or have to experience. So. So there have been those kind of worries, but I also have wondered, like you know is is there any value that I can offer here? And and those are some of the things that I think all of us experience at some point in time when we're in these kinds of positions it's maybe common or normal or natural that we wouldn't always see the value that we're delivering, delivering. But if you felt any value here, recognize this within yourself, that someone in your life has felt a similar value from you and you're completely unaware of it. I think that's a cool kind of thing to consider and a perspective to have.

Speaker 1:

Now for the, I guess, topic of today's episode. Funny enough, it have this kind of a formula that if I feel loved or cared for by my spouse, then I'll be able to care and love for them. And so the formula kind of goes like I'm cared for, then I add care, and that equals our relationship. And I think that formula is backwards, that so many times it's difficult to show up in a loving, caring way when we are experiencing difficulty or challenge within our relationship. And yet I think we're best served in our relationship to lead with love and care, even if we don't necessarily experience it.

Speaker 1:

I sometimes share with my clients this idea that you want to know the best way to get someone to not like you. Or, if we really heighten this idea, the best way to get someone to hate you it's to hate them. And if you've ever experienced someone disliking you or you feel like they hate you, we have this common protective experience or reactive experience to dislike or hate them in return. Not saying that's right, I'm just saying that's kind of how it is. And when we can see that and recognize that and we can look at this, the counter point to this idea, the best way to get someone to love you is to love them. And when we can see that right, I think we can see the value of inversing this formula of like, withholding our care until we feel cared for and, almost without restraint, loving and caring for our spouse, and then, in that process, stepping back and seeing, kind of the results of that. And in that, you know, I think I don't I'm not a proponent of being quote unquote walked all over.

Speaker 1:

I think you need to recognize what you can do from a loving, caring space, recognize what you can do from a loving, caring space, and sometimes you have to be open, honest and intimate which I think is loving to do to share with your partner that. You know. This isn't something I have the capacity to do and these are some pretty big ideas. I want to try to keep it as basic as possible here and just share that. Take that risk to inverse your formula to love your spouse and then look to see what kind of care you're getting within that relationship and then establish your relationship and what you want to do about it based off of that, versus holding back to see what kind of loving care you're going to receive from your spouse. I think the problem with that is we're so insecure within our relationships meaning you are and your partner is that if you step back and withhold your loving care until you see loving and care from them, they oftentimes are in the same position they're withholding their love and care until they see love and care from you, and now we're kind of caught in this chicken or the egg scenario. Who's going to show their love and care first? I challenge you to take that baton, to step forward, to open yourself up and to share your love and care toward your spouse, even if you fear and feel like they might not love and care for you. And when we can do this, we can bring clarity to the relationship. There's another formula here that I think is is a part of this that you know if I can, if I can get love and care for from you, then I'll love and care for you. It's like. It's like I need you to care for me so that I can care for you.

Speaker 1:

And another way to think about this is what if we took responsibility for our care within the relationship? We didn't put that responsibility on our partner to care for us. We made sure that we were doing what we needed to do. We were taking care of ourselves. We almost as. If you look at it like this way, what if you're a single Like? What would you do to meet your needs, to get the things done that you wanted to get done? To take care of your kids, to clean the house, to do all the projects to relax after work, whatever it is? You know, what would you do if your partner wasn't there? How would you get those things done? How would you accomplish them? You would have full responsibility for those things. You couldn't dish it off to anybody else.

Speaker 1:

And if we take that mindset, we take care of ourselves and then we give the leftovers to our spouse with zero expectation of anything in return. I think that's also a wonderful way to kind of look at this that we give them our leftover love because we've loved and cared for ourselves first. We've taken that responsibility back from them. We've loved and cared for ourselves, and now we're in an opportunity that we have leftovers. We have extra love and care that we now can just give to our spouse. We don't need it, it's leftovers. We've already cared for ourselves, we don't need anything in return and we take on that process or that method.

Speaker 1:

I really think if we can get two people to take on that method, that's the pinnacle of a relationship where neither of us are expecting the other person to take care of us quote unquote. Where neither of us are expecting the other person to take care of us quote unquote. Both of us are taking care of ourselves, and then we're just freely giving and offering of ourselves the leftover capacity that we have to love and care for other people, and when we can get into that kind of space. We eliminate the opportunities for resentment for unmet expectation, the opportunities for resentment for unmet expectation, for failed wants and desires and needs that were left unmet, and I think it's a worthy goal to aspire to, that we would take away the responsibility, take away the expectation from our partner to take care of us and we would make sure that we are showing up in a way where we've taken care of ourselves and we have leftover love and care to give to our partner, our spouse, to our kids, to our friends and families and all those that we love around us. So those were some of the thoughts that I had for today.

Speaker 1:

This was a little bit of a longer episode, but I enjoyed it. I enjoyed coming on here and just being able to chat with all of you guys. Who knows how many more opportunities I'll have to do this, but know this that I've enjoyed each and every one of your interactions. I've enjoyed feeling you guys on the other side and I've felt at times that we are just having a conversation, you and I, and that's been pretty special. So, with that, maybe I'll be here next week, maybe not.

Speaker 1:

And maybe I'll be here next week, maybe not, but I plan to have a few more episodes here to kind of tie this up, at least until the business sale is more concrete. So until then, have a great week everybody. Bye-bye. You have been listening to the marriage essentials podcast. I hope that you found some valuable insights and inspiration to apply to your relationship. Don't forget to follow us on instagram at marriage underscore essentials for more content like this until next time. Keep nurturing your love and remember that a happy marriage really is a journey, it's not a destination. Take care and I'll see you in the next episode.